Anxiety: The Saga Continues - Part I

So my last post entitled PAXIL...My Journey, found here, allowed you all to walk with me through my trials of dealing with the onset of anxiety, being put on Paxil, and then getting off that terrible drug.

Today I'm going to pick up where I left off. I left you with the thought that I was not going to give up. And yes, that is still my mind set. My anxiety has not "gone away" despite my deepest hopes that years later I had learned enough and been through enough that perhaps I could just cope with it and even at best be rid of it entirely. Apparently...relentless I am in indeed. 

It is becoming increasingly clear that not only do I still have anxiety, I may not be all that great at dealing with it. I get tired, I mean absolutely exhausted trying to figure it out, keep it at bay, stop it. And for me, it's never been an easy thing to even talk about! Even to my husband. All I can ever think in my mind is that people are going to think I'm crazy! I mean come on...when you start spewing out phrases like "it just pops in my head", "I can't convince myself it's not true", and "I can't make it stop"...you tell me the first word that you think of! And how can I feel comfortable talking about it if I can't even be sure myself that I'm not really a perfect candidate for a padded room!

There are a select few people in my life that I have trusted enough to confide in somewhat. Every person has for sure helped me. Whether it was just giving me an outlet to vent, talking me out of a full on attack, or just unknowingly being a familiar presence that calms me. Consistently however, I stop short of "getting it all out" because I can hear myself saying all the things that leads to that stigma of crazy.

I can't expect others to understand what I'm going through, if I don't first understand it myself. Externally, I can tell you plenty of things that I "know" about anxiety. I can rattle off symptoms and triggers, examples of thought processes, and even a few calming techniques! But as I've found out lately, those things merely skim the surface. Anxiety is a pain in my ass an internal thing. And until you research, learn, and teach yourself...the situation really isn't much different than the idea of a dog chasing his tail.

Which leads me to the purpose of this post. This last month has been pure hell for me! My anxiety has slowly picked up the pace to where I am now dealing with it on a daily basis! Anger has creeped in. Total disappointment with myself. Sadness that I will be stuck like this forever. And well...I guess it's just full out despair! I had a stress and anxiety induced breakdown the other night in bed while my husband was happily in the throws of slumber. I completely failed, tears fell, panic ensued, and I could no longer keep it inside. I woke up my hubs and his simple nonjudgmental phrase of "talk to me" gave me just enough of a push to let it ALL out. Finally.

After that night (last week)...I was more determined than ever to figure this out. I have complete faith that God will help me every step of the way but I know He fully expects that we help ourselves too! I started research the very next day and found a book that has rave reviews called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook". Amazon was super helpful as always and even allowed a preview to the book before buying which you can find here. So far this week I have figured out that what I have is actually formally called "panic disorder". I skimmed some other parts of the book to get a feel for what it offered and am now reading a chapter all about my particular issue. I've just barely gotten started but reading about these issues that are verbatim to the things I deal with has been truly amazing! And genuinely comforting! 

I have SO far to go, but I am not going to back down. I am going to keep learning, keep reading, and keep trying. And this time, I'm not hiding behind it. I invite you on this journey with me in hopes that it may not only inspire something within you but might even help someone you know! 

Stay tuned for Part II and by all means, wish me luck!

  

PAXIL...My Journey

BEFORE PAXIL
My life before 2007 was a life free of a daily pill designed to "stabilize" my anxiety. Quite honestly I didn't even know what anxiety actually was. Anything and everything that came my way be it difficult, hard, crazy, drama, whatever...was dealt with like I imagine most anybody else would...head on with an armful of great people in my life. And then it happened.

PAXIL BEGINS
In 2006 I found myself in an interesting predicament. I had emotionally invested myself in a relationship with someone who was emotionally invested only in himself and an alcohol addiction. Despite those facts, or warning signs if you will, I continued on in the situation with some sort of naive and deep rooted optimism. 

Then along came major situation one (other than the obvious toxic relationship). In the midst of my super stressful attempt at having a healthy relationship, I ended up with a UTI and a pulled muscle in my back at the same time. Two different doctors prescribed me medication to treat both issues and I followed the treatment directions as I was supposed to. In the middle of what ended up being the most life changing night of my life, I woke up out of a dead sleep with the most horrible chest pain I have ever had to date. Pain so intense that I was on the verge of passing out at the peak of each wave. I was scared to death. I woke up the alcoholic, asked him to drive me to the ER, and prayed to God that I wasn't dying. I think it all started right there. I remember the drive to the ER because the alcoholic showed no sense of urgency surrounding the fact that I was petrified and in horrible pain. I remember looking over at the speedometer at one point and realizing we weren't even going 55mph. I pleaded that we go faster and at the same time wondered how my situation wasn't worthy of a little hurry so maybe I didn't die in the truck. Come to find out, the combination of medication I was on caused what was the start of an ulcer in my stomach to react badly...for the lact of medical terms. Got through that particular situation like I always managed to and went on with life. 

Major situation two wasn't far behind. Floating through my life, still all happily and naively optimistic...Christmas 2006 was approaching and the alcoholic and I had gone and gotten some professional photos taken and turned into Christmas cards. About mid December I came home with the cards in tow excited to show them off! Before I even had a chance to show the alcoholic the great cards, he busted out on me that he didn't love me and was moving out, we were done. It was as quick and to the point as how I just typed it. I lost something that day...I have never pinpointed what exactly it was, but it changed me somehow forever. Less than a month after that happened, he was gone, I was forging forward with my life, and then major situation three knocked me clean off my feet. 

2007, January. At work, having some coffee...started feeling kind of dizzy. Heart started beating fast, getting warmer, starting to sweat, stomach doing flip flops, a little nauseous...then some chest pain. What is happening? ER visit. The doctors that day told me that I had an anxiety attack. It scared me just as badly as the ER visit a few months prior but this time I was alone, heartbroken, and emotionally beat down. The doctor told me that it was best to start on some anxiety medication (Paxil). He said I'd have to take it daily. I told him I didn't want to be "on" anything. At that point he explained to me that my two prior situations were traumatic and had damaged something in my head neurologically (chemical imbalance) that needed corrected by the medication and that if I didn't take it I could quite possibly end up being one of those people develop one of those disorders that makes them too afraid to leave their house. I have never forgot that conversation. I said, I'll do whatever you tell me to. I picked up the meds, and I started taking them religiously on a daily basis. 

THE DAYS OF PAXIL
Fear consumed me from that day on. I struggled over the next few months literally to not be afraid of leaving the house. I was scared that I was going to have an attack while I was out somewhere and I wouldn't be able to get home or get to someplace where someone could help me. What if it killed me? What if I died alone? I worked hard to overcome it. I pushed myself to drive a little farther each time I went out. I prayed hard for a sense of normalcy again. Eventually I evolved to a place where it seemed the only issue that spurred an "attack" was when I physically felt something that was not what I considered normal for me. It really could be about anything. A pulled muscle, heartburn, indigestion, cramps.

I managed my way through situations in that six years that I look back at now and wonder to myself how I did it. Moving several times, including a move across the country to Texas and back. New friends, new family, new jobs, new life styles. All the while unaware that I was being buried in this odd fog. 

I never went back to have my anxiety evaluated any further. I took what the doc said at face value and decided I never wanted to end up with a "can't leave the house" disorder so I focused on always taking my medication and trying to devise ways to convince myself that when I had an attack, that I wasn't going to die on the spot while scared and alone. I did pretty well and my attacks spaced out to being farther and farther apart. What I didn't realize is the effects the Paxil was having on my body. I was encompassed that fog. I started gaining weight like I'd become McDonald's biggest fan (which I can assure you I hadn't). I started having medical issues of various kinds and all signs eventually lead back to Paxil. Wait, wasn't I doing what I was supposed to do...what I was told I needed to do? Wasn't that medicine supposed to "fix me"? All those years, all the tedious struggles and fear. Ups and downs. Now what do I do?

6 YEARS LATER
January of 2013. After a whole lot discussions with two of my favorite doctors (my OB and my new family doc), I was explained to, just how toxic Paxil can be. To the point where most docs won't even prescribe it anymore. I was explained to, that I should never have gone so long being on it. And the road map of what I could expect coming off of it was laid out for me. Working between both docs, a plan was devised and I was on my way to being Paxil free. Wow was it hard! And scary! The side effects were unreal. I was lucky enough not to have severe side effects, but the ones I had were enough. For me the worst was the heart palpatations that made me feel like my heart might stop at any given time. And truthfully, I was scared. A lot. So many things passed through my mind. Can I live life without chemical assistance for the "imbalance" that I may or may not still have? Will this somehow put me back to square one and in an even worse position that I started in? Will I be overwhelmed with fear on a daily basis? Will this kill me? I decided the only way to find out was to try and that's what I did. It wasn't easy, but I pushed on and after about a month or so, I was officially OFF Paxil.

NOW
Now...even as I sit here and type...I wonder to myself which part of all this journey has been the hardest. The beginning, the six years, or now? 

I'm out of the fog...I can see things so much clearer now. But it's all been such an adjustment. Seeing things so much differently than I have in the last six years has been a challenge to say the least. I guess the best way to describe it is that it felt like my feelings and opinions had been muted...and now they're on again. I'm reevaluating people, things, and situations in my life with a whole new outlook. It appears my strong relentless nature that always made me...me...had been compromised and I became lazy with my standards and boundaries. So much so that I realize just how much I have let myself be taken advantage of and taken for granted. I've been working hard to sort out these feelings based on each person and situation.

Physically I feel better in general but I got a little side tracked immediately following my triumphant moment of Paxil free happiness trying to finish taking care of my medical issues. I got slammed with some sort of crazy acute sinus infection that has spurred a month long struggle of two different rounds of antibiotics with jacked up side affects, a series of pain meds, and currently steroid pills. Ten more days of the steroids and hopefully that will solve the problem. What a struggle!! First time in years I've dealt with my health without anxiety meds. I'll be honest, I've failed a few times in this last month. My anxiety has resurfaced throughout all this.

BUT, I'm maintaining Hope. I have MADE IT through so much! I know my war. I know what I'm up against. And I will not relent. 

I will make it through the next ten days. I will face head on the cards I am dealt. I will continue on my journey to keep my mind right, having faith to trust my mind and heart. I will get healthier overall. I will lose that pesky extra weight, I will smile more, I will start the next chapter of my life with the optimism that I lost so many years ago. I will re-find me... medication free...with only my courage, strength, God, and an armful of great veeps!

Relentless: One Day At A Time             

The BLOB...in real life.

The Blob is a 1988 monstor horror film which features a jelly-like substance (The Blob) that just gets bigger and bigger! But don't worry, my relation to it is just merely the blob factor, not the monster part! Haha! 

But in all seriousness, as of late, that truly is what I feel like. A big 'ole BLOB!! 

I was blessed a year ago to come across a program that works wonders called *P.I.N.K. Method. It was easy to follow and easy to stick to. In addition, I follow the creator of the program *(Cynthia Pasquella) both in social networking as well as a VIP email distribution. Since she released the P.I.N.K. Method, she has come out with a pretty amazing cookbook called Hungry Hottie, which I also have. And then lastly she supports a company called *SoCal Cleanse that is just a nutritional addition to the program that helps you meet your goals. When I started with PM it worked wonderfully for me, however, through unintentional downtime and my mind overrunning me, I slowly but surely stopped doing it. **See links in the paragraph above for more information on the programs mentioned**

Once I stopped with the program, I slowly but surely gained back everything I'd lost...and then some! (Me = Blob) I think that I was so happy with the results I was getting from PM that I felt like I could "stop dieting" and that my body would just "know" what to do to keep going and react the way I wanted it to. Um, wrong. How does the mind come up with these things? I have since realized that it isn't about "dieting", it's about changing your lifestyle. Truly...as trite as that sounds! And quite honestly, I don't know anyone who would say that changing your entire lifestyle isn't a scary thing! The first thoughts I always had were, oh great, there goes anything that tastes good and what's going to happen with my chocolate obsession? And I will admit, those things are still in the back of my head but I am fighting through them daily knowing that the resources I have prove that healthy eating doesn't have to taste bad and you can still have those indulgences! (yes, you thought it as soon as you read it...in moderation!)

So, as of January 21, I have started my venture to end my personal Blob horror story! I know the ins and outs of PM. I know I have to work hard to start moving along. I know that when I start seeing results that it doesn't mean time to stop, it means KEEP GOING! I'm trying hard and it's going to be a long road. But I am seeking inspiration in what I hope to be "new" ways. I joined the Biggest Loser contest here at work (also Jan.21) and currently am in the running to win $350 if I can be the biggest loser by April 15. As if just feeling better isn't enough, knowing I could win is even cooler! I know how hard it is to keep motivated, so if I can stick in there strong for 3 whole months...surely I would have smashed a slew of my inner demons that have previously held me back and maybe win some $$!! BONUS, at that point, maybe I would venture into buying a swimsuit for summer...which I haven't done in years!!! 

Stay tuned, I am absolutely positive there will be some bumpy roads on this journey and Lord knows I will need this outlet to vent it and keep pushing on! 

MOTIVATION:
1. It's okay to mess up...just keep going!
2. Reward yourself, you deserve it!! 

2013

Since we've slid into 2013, there have been a lot of things cross my mind and I think to myself,  - I'ma <---slang for "I'm going to" DO that! Some will call my ideas resolutions (I don't), and some will call them a weak bucket list (again, I don't)...for me it's a simple I'ma DO that list! 

Number One on my list is to try to believe at least one out of ten of all the photos/quotes I post! This one I especially like because it was almost as though I wrote it myself!

Number Two on my list is to force myself to buy new colors of clothing. Okay, okay...let me say it more truthfully...force myself to buy a color outside of black/blue/grey at least once or twice. My entire wardrobe is nothing but black and blue and grey, seriously. I recently have found that I have NO red clothing items, NO green clothing items, NO purple clothing items, NO yellow clothing items...so yeah, you get the point. This could prove to be quite a challenge...it took me nearly a half an hour to find this shirt online as an option for something "colored" and something I would actually wear. The concept for me is pretty scary overall...I am going to have to work on this early!

Number Three is that I want to learn something new!! It seems like I am always in the way of the same old things. I do the same thing, I surround myself with the same things, etc. I have actually already started on this so I won't say anymore until I end up with a finished product. I have had something particular in mind for awhile now and prior to completing this post, I ran across exactly what I needed to get started. So stay tuned on that! 

Number Four is pretty out there for me but I'm going to say it anyway and hope I have the courage to give it a whirl. I want to grow something that you would find in a garden. I'm not going to go so far as to say that I would have an actual complete garden. I would at least like to try a few items. I remember when I was little that my grandma had strawberries and tomatoes out back. Those two things would be a good start. Maybe also some potatoes? So when spring comes around, don't be surprised to hear me asking a gazillion gardening questions because I have no clue and I've never exactly been accused of having a green thumb!

Number Five is that I want to face and conquer something hard. I mean something really difficult. I have this really annoying tendency that when I get disinterested in something, I just leave it where it lies and move on. Of course I fully realize the reason for my eventual disinterest is merely because it becomes hard and I've brainwashed myself into thinking that I cannot possibly come out on top in any situation. Yes, I am fully aware that I am always waiting for the bottom to drop out (that's an entirely separate blog post in the waiting). Anyway, I want to this with what I feel like is the hardest thing for me. Going back to eating/looking/feeling healthy. It's like a curse once you slip into Blob mode (see Blob post soon) that it buries you in negativity that very few ever dig out of but I plan to. And just how the hell am I gonna do that you ask? The Biggest Loser! Yup, where I work is having a Biggest Loser contest! It starts on January 21 and ends on April 15. First place will take home HALF of all the monies collected. Just to give you an idea of how much that could be, entry into the contest is $20. So if only five people entered and I won, I'd win back my entry plus thirty bucks! So now the mantra begins...I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT!!! 

Top 5..."I'ma gonna do's"...here to hoping I don't have to call myself a liar later. Wish me luck!!!

One small step at a time...

There seems to be this mountain in front of me. I think it's been there for awhile but I successfully have been able to ignore it. As days go on, the mountain has surfaced from the shadows and is becoming clearer. I for sure know now that it's there. I for sure know that I will need to climb it. 

Today, I think that I made a step towards it. However little, perhaps miniscule that step may be. I made one. 

Many many more to go.

 

To Hell With It!

Some days I just don't know why I bother! My motto has always been if there is something wrong then you talk about...talk through it...deal with it...move on!

I swear sometimes that just doesn't/won't work! If someone asks me their opinion, I'm going to give it to them no matter what. In reality however, if you aren't open to any other opinion besides your own, there is just no point in it at all.

I take this literal, even with myself. I have a whole lot on my mind right now (see future blogs) but when I sit back and think about it...none of it alters the current things that I "can" control. It does no good for me to talk about it with others when that will not change things or make things better in my eyes. Of course, it sometimes makes me feel better for the moment but overall it doesn't change a damn thing. Then I am always left with why do I even talk about it...others have bigger issues, etc. etc.

For now, I suppose I will just sit on it and call it good.

Scarves?

Okay, so with the fall/winter season, the "scarf" trend surfaces and so do the same questions I've wondered now for several scarf seasons. I get the concept that it's an accessory much like a necklace however, when I personally accessorize an outfit I pick things that match or accentuate what I'm wearing. Of course, I also understand where some ladies throw in a bright red necklace if they're wearing all black just to break up the monotony of the outfit and bling out some color. With that in mind...do I have it all wrong?

For example, today I spent the day (and I mean six full hours) in a meeting of executives which incidentally happened to be mostly women. I noticed several women wearing the "scarf" look but what caught my eye was that in no way shape or form did they seem to match and/or accent what they were wearing! Here's two examples that I saw that really stuck out in my memory.

Outfit #1: She was wearing a black dress with teal diamond shapes tiled all over it, knee length, quarter length sleeves and a scoop neck. The scarf was mostly cream colored with squares of different designs (think patchwork quilt). The colors in the designs were a lot of powder blue and a burgundy color.

Outfit #2: She was wearing a brown dress with suttle gold flecks throughout, slightly below the knee, and just a little longer than quarter length sleeves, also a scoop neck. Her scarf was plain light grey.

Someone tell me what I'm missing here? I could not wrap my head around what concept they used when picking the outfits out? If I had been picking it out, I would have decided on maybe a silver scarf or light teal scarf for Outfit #1, and def nothing with "more" print on it! And for Outfit #2 I would have done maybe an accenting shade of brown with maybe gold tassels or a gold scarf entirely.

Either way, I don't own a scarf anyhow. I have thought about getting one but hesitate as I'm not sure I've figured out how to wear it yet? I haven't even started on how in the world you tie them? ((sigh)) We all know I'd be the one walking around looking like I was heading out bundled up for a snow storm! :)

So the jury's out...scarf, no scarf...matching, not matching...tied (but how)?