PAXIL...My Journey

BEFORE PAXIL
My life before 2007 was a life free of a daily pill designed to "stabilize" my anxiety. Quite honestly I didn't even know what anxiety actually was. Anything and everything that came my way be it difficult, hard, crazy, drama, whatever...was dealt with like I imagine most anybody else would...head on with an armful of great people in my life. And then it happened.

PAXIL BEGINS
In 2006 I found myself in an interesting predicament. I had emotionally invested myself in a relationship with someone who was emotionally invested only in himself and an alcohol addiction. Despite those facts, or warning signs if you will, I continued on in the situation with some sort of naive and deep rooted optimism. 

Then along came major situation one (other than the obvious toxic relationship). In the midst of my super stressful attempt at having a healthy relationship, I ended up with a UTI and a pulled muscle in my back at the same time. Two different doctors prescribed me medication to treat both issues and I followed the treatment directions as I was supposed to. In the middle of what ended up being the most life changing night of my life, I woke up out of a dead sleep with the most horrible chest pain I have ever had to date. Pain so intense that I was on the verge of passing out at the peak of each wave. I was scared to death. I woke up the alcoholic, asked him to drive me to the ER, and prayed to God that I wasn't dying. I think it all started right there. I remember the drive to the ER because the alcoholic showed no sense of urgency surrounding the fact that I was petrified and in horrible pain. I remember looking over at the speedometer at one point and realizing we weren't even going 55mph. I pleaded that we go faster and at the same time wondered how my situation wasn't worthy of a little hurry so maybe I didn't die in the truck. Come to find out, the combination of medication I was on caused what was the start of an ulcer in my stomach to react badly...for the lact of medical terms. Got through that particular situation like I always managed to and went on with life. 

Major situation two wasn't far behind. Floating through my life, still all happily and naively optimistic...Christmas 2006 was approaching and the alcoholic and I had gone and gotten some professional photos taken and turned into Christmas cards. About mid December I came home with the cards in tow excited to show them off! Before I even had a chance to show the alcoholic the great cards, he busted out on me that he didn't love me and was moving out, we were done. It was as quick and to the point as how I just typed it. I lost something that day...I have never pinpointed what exactly it was, but it changed me somehow forever. Less than a month after that happened, he was gone, I was forging forward with my life, and then major situation three knocked me clean off my feet. 

2007, January. At work, having some coffee...started feeling kind of dizzy. Heart started beating fast, getting warmer, starting to sweat, stomach doing flip flops, a little nauseous...then some chest pain. What is happening? ER visit. The doctors that day told me that I had an anxiety attack. It scared me just as badly as the ER visit a few months prior but this time I was alone, heartbroken, and emotionally beat down. The doctor told me that it was best to start on some anxiety medication (Paxil). He said I'd have to take it daily. I told him I didn't want to be "on" anything. At that point he explained to me that my two prior situations were traumatic and had damaged something in my head neurologically (chemical imbalance) that needed corrected by the medication and that if I didn't take it I could quite possibly end up being one of those people develop one of those disorders that makes them too afraid to leave their house. I have never forgot that conversation. I said, I'll do whatever you tell me to. I picked up the meds, and I started taking them religiously on a daily basis. 

THE DAYS OF PAXIL
Fear consumed me from that day on. I struggled over the next few months literally to not be afraid of leaving the house. I was scared that I was going to have an attack while I was out somewhere and I wouldn't be able to get home or get to someplace where someone could help me. What if it killed me? What if I died alone? I worked hard to overcome it. I pushed myself to drive a little farther each time I went out. I prayed hard for a sense of normalcy again. Eventually I evolved to a place where it seemed the only issue that spurred an "attack" was when I physically felt something that was not what I considered normal for me. It really could be about anything. A pulled muscle, heartburn, indigestion, cramps.

I managed my way through situations in that six years that I look back at now and wonder to myself how I did it. Moving several times, including a move across the country to Texas and back. New friends, new family, new jobs, new life styles. All the while unaware that I was being buried in this odd fog. 

I never went back to have my anxiety evaluated any further. I took what the doc said at face value and decided I never wanted to end up with a "can't leave the house" disorder so I focused on always taking my medication and trying to devise ways to convince myself that when I had an attack, that I wasn't going to die on the spot while scared and alone. I did pretty well and my attacks spaced out to being farther and farther apart. What I didn't realize is the effects the Paxil was having on my body. I was encompassed that fog. I started gaining weight like I'd become McDonald's biggest fan (which I can assure you I hadn't). I started having medical issues of various kinds and all signs eventually lead back to Paxil. Wait, wasn't I doing what I was supposed to do...what I was told I needed to do? Wasn't that medicine supposed to "fix me"? All those years, all the tedious struggles and fear. Ups and downs. Now what do I do?

6 YEARS LATER
January of 2013. After a whole lot discussions with two of my favorite doctors (my OB and my new family doc), I was explained to, just how toxic Paxil can be. To the point where most docs won't even prescribe it anymore. I was explained to, that I should never have gone so long being on it. And the road map of what I could expect coming off of it was laid out for me. Working between both docs, a plan was devised and I was on my way to being Paxil free. Wow was it hard! And scary! The side effects were unreal. I was lucky enough not to have severe side effects, but the ones I had were enough. For me the worst was the heart palpatations that made me feel like my heart might stop at any given time. And truthfully, I was scared. A lot. So many things passed through my mind. Can I live life without chemical assistance for the "imbalance" that I may or may not still have? Will this somehow put me back to square one and in an even worse position that I started in? Will I be overwhelmed with fear on a daily basis? Will this kill me? I decided the only way to find out was to try and that's what I did. It wasn't easy, but I pushed on and after about a month or so, I was officially OFF Paxil.

NOW
Now...even as I sit here and type...I wonder to myself which part of all this journey has been the hardest. The beginning, the six years, or now? 

I'm out of the fog...I can see things so much clearer now. But it's all been such an adjustment. Seeing things so much differently than I have in the last six years has been a challenge to say the least. I guess the best way to describe it is that it felt like my feelings and opinions had been muted...and now they're on again. I'm reevaluating people, things, and situations in my life with a whole new outlook. It appears my strong relentless nature that always made me...me...had been compromised and I became lazy with my standards and boundaries. So much so that I realize just how much I have let myself be taken advantage of and taken for granted. I've been working hard to sort out these feelings based on each person and situation.

Physically I feel better in general but I got a little side tracked immediately following my triumphant moment of Paxil free happiness trying to finish taking care of my medical issues. I got slammed with some sort of crazy acute sinus infection that has spurred a month long struggle of two different rounds of antibiotics with jacked up side affects, a series of pain meds, and currently steroid pills. Ten more days of the steroids and hopefully that will solve the problem. What a struggle!! First time in years I've dealt with my health without anxiety meds. I'll be honest, I've failed a few times in this last month. My anxiety has resurfaced throughout all this.

BUT, I'm maintaining Hope. I have MADE IT through so much! I know my war. I know what I'm up against. And I will not relent. 

I will make it through the next ten days. I will face head on the cards I am dealt. I will continue on my journey to keep my mind right, having faith to trust my mind and heart. I will get healthier overall. I will lose that pesky extra weight, I will smile more, I will start the next chapter of my life with the optimism that I lost so many years ago. I will re-find me... medication free...with only my courage, strength, God, and an armful of great veeps!

Relentless: One Day At A Time