Anxiety: The Saga Continues - Part I

So my last post entitled PAXIL...My Journey, found here, allowed you all to walk with me through my trials of dealing with the onset of anxiety, being put on Paxil, and then getting off that terrible drug.

Today I'm going to pick up where I left off. I left you with the thought that I was not going to give up. And yes, that is still my mind set. My anxiety has not "gone away" despite my deepest hopes that years later I had learned enough and been through enough that perhaps I could just cope with it and even at best be rid of it entirely. Apparently...relentless I am in indeed. 

It is becoming increasingly clear that not only do I still have anxiety, I may not be all that great at dealing with it. I get tired, I mean absolutely exhausted trying to figure it out, keep it at bay, stop it. And for me, it's never been an easy thing to even talk about! Even to my husband. All I can ever think in my mind is that people are going to think I'm crazy! I mean come on...when you start spewing out phrases like "it just pops in my head", "I can't convince myself it's not true", and "I can't make it stop"...you tell me the first word that you think of! And how can I feel comfortable talking about it if I can't even be sure myself that I'm not really a perfect candidate for a padded room!

There are a select few people in my life that I have trusted enough to confide in somewhat. Every person has for sure helped me. Whether it was just giving me an outlet to vent, talking me out of a full on attack, or just unknowingly being a familiar presence that calms me. Consistently however, I stop short of "getting it all out" because I can hear myself saying all the things that leads to that stigma of crazy.

I can't expect others to understand what I'm going through, if I don't first understand it myself. Externally, I can tell you plenty of things that I "know" about anxiety. I can rattle off symptoms and triggers, examples of thought processes, and even a few calming techniques! But as I've found out lately, those things merely skim the surface. Anxiety is a pain in my ass an internal thing. And until you research, learn, and teach yourself...the situation really isn't much different than the idea of a dog chasing his tail.

Which leads me to the purpose of this post. This last month has been pure hell for me! My anxiety has slowly picked up the pace to where I am now dealing with it on a daily basis! Anger has creeped in. Total disappointment with myself. Sadness that I will be stuck like this forever. And well...I guess it's just full out despair! I had a stress and anxiety induced breakdown the other night in bed while my husband was happily in the throws of slumber. I completely failed, tears fell, panic ensued, and I could no longer keep it inside. I woke up my hubs and his simple nonjudgmental phrase of "talk to me" gave me just enough of a push to let it ALL out. Finally.

After that night (last week)...I was more determined than ever to figure this out. I have complete faith that God will help me every step of the way but I know He fully expects that we help ourselves too! I started research the very next day and found a book that has rave reviews called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook". Amazon was super helpful as always and even allowed a preview to the book before buying which you can find here. So far this week I have figured out that what I have is actually formally called "panic disorder". I skimmed some other parts of the book to get a feel for what it offered and am now reading a chapter all about my particular issue. I've just barely gotten started but reading about these issues that are verbatim to the things I deal with has been truly amazing! And genuinely comforting! 

I have SO far to go, but I am not going to back down. I am going to keep learning, keep reading, and keep trying. And this time, I'm not hiding behind it. I invite you on this journey with me in hopes that it may not only inspire something within you but might even help someone you know! 

Stay tuned for Part II and by all means, wish me luck!